Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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