just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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