pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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