You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
