The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize