I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
