Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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