Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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