Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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