I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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