Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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