I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
