every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
