kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize