I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
