I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
