just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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