It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
