It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
