Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
