Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Two words: blizzard sex
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
