im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
