this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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