I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
