so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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