The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize