then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize