someone threw a dead crab at me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
