how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Randomize