Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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