I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
