The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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