My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dignity is for republicans.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
