I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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