I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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