When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
