If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
