She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
