I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
