Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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