i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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