Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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