I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
