yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
