I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize