Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize