I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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