Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
