found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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