Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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