Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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