just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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