I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
