I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
